Archive for July, 2009


FTM voice recordings

July 31, 2009

So a few weeks ago I started doing little voice recordings to chronicle the changes I’m going through. I have no idea if they’ll be of interest to anyone but me, but today I started uploading them to imeem anyway. My page is here:

gelasius on imeem

… and the first two recordings are uploaded here:

Gabriel Faith 071609

Gabriel Faith 072409

That’s all, folks. 🙂


Last night, on chat…

July 21, 2009

Gay friend: Can I ask you a really personal question?
Me: Of course.
GF: When you’re ready for the surgery, do you get to pick the size?
Me: *sporfle*
Me: That’s not what I was expecting.
GF: Because I want to help you shop.
Me: [gives Trans101 explanation of how there isn’t really a The Surgery for FTM and how it’s unlikely I’ll be doing anything of the sort anyway.]
GF: I’m just saying, I know dick.

Then we talked about packies and STPs for a while and he told me I’m hot as a guy and would totally give me head (might want to check with his husband on that one, *koff*)



that was a joke, ha ha, fat chance

July 14, 2009

One of those ‘well, duh’ facts about transitioning around people who knew me before: Make jokes.

It’s a truth well known that humor is good for defeating the elephant in the dining room. My friends are kind, generous people who don’t want to hurt or offend me, so for the most part they’re not going to make the first jokes while still concerned about slipping up on their pronouns. Since I’d MUCH rather my friends feel comfortable around me and sometimes call me ‘she’ than tiptoe around me and worry all the time and always always call me ‘he’, I’ve been working at demonstrating my willingness to be communicative. Examples:

S: Yeah, last year her boots… ‘his’ boots were different. SORRY.
me: No, ‘her’ is right. Last year it was ‘her’ boots.
S: *frustrated glare*
me: I’m just messing with you now.

(Okay, so that was a little mean. But S. said it was actually helpful in not worrying so much. So.)

[on a swivel stool that won’t stay put; usually it rotates to the left, but when I sat down it started rotating to the right]
me: See? I go both ways.
G: Yes. Yes you do. *snickers*


Chicago transgender groups in the news

July 14, 2009

Maybe it’s just my boundless optimism, but the title of this article makes me a little sad:

Transgender Chicagoans find refuge in their city

Refuge? Not community, or pride, or something else actively positive? “Refuge” sounds like an apology, like transpeople are on the very fringes of society and grateful simply to survive on the scraps tossed to us by the generous normals, or something. I know the intention of the article is in the right place, and it’s always good for our groups to get exposure, but somehow it just rubs me wrong. Like it’s just reinforcing the unhelpful idea that trans*people are all victims.


(unrelated) Note To Self: Flirting with heterosexual boys now makes them uncomfortable. Don’t overdo it.




re: your acne

July 7, 2009

Wow, I really am turning into a teenage boy. I just discovered that men’s swim trunks are the most awesome things ever and now I want lots of them. Mesh lining. MESH. LINING! I’m wearing them right now. 🙂

I’ve started my Renaissance Faire season (opening weekend this Saturday!) which means another couple hundred people joining me on my gender transition. Yes, I know, this is terribly self-centered of me, but that’s my vantage point. Sometimes it feels like every moment I’ve lived for the past few months is about the transition, like I’m always in the spotlight. (Sometimes, I even like it.)

Every time I’m spoken to, my gender expression is considered. Every time I’m referred to, there’s a hesitation before my pronoun is used. My very existence makes people feel weird for using a pronoun they didn’t use last year; or guilty for using the one I don’t prefer; or resentful of me for making them think about it. And for that, I do genuinely apologize. Not for doing what I’m doing, but for the side effects that come along with it. This isn’t so much a fabulously unknown discovery as… something that’s good for me to remember, and something I’m learning the realities of. Something else I’m learning is that my image is shifting in my mind faster than it’s shifting in the outside world and that the flow of pronouns around me is something of a gauge* for that external image. It’s going to take time, and the truth is that I have the opportunity to step back and watch it happen. (Sometimes, that’s kinda cool.)

Is this a depressing post? It doesn’t feel like one — but the image in my mind is not, at times, the one that others see.

*one of those words that’s just weird and never feels like it’s spelled right, argh.